My name is Andrew. I am 25 years old and I have had this ongoing struggle for a very long time. At first it wasn't so bad. As a child I was always accused of being very perceptive to "adult" business. I knew far more than I cared to know about the world around me. I often felt aloof and very alone. As I was a constantly angry child and never really saw much reason to smile because I felt constant misery and angst. I thought that maybe it was the burden of struggling with my sexuality and struggling to identify myself but there was much more underlying than I ever thought. At 9 my family moved into a home where for the first time I felt at peace and found calm. It was here I think I was able to be more of myself. My mother allowed me to walk to the lake front which was only a few blocks away from our home, and by staying next to the water I was better able to shut out the voices. or everything that seemed to be clouding me and I could focus more on me. At 13 I had the scariest run in my life. I was approached by two men while i was at the lake front, they questioned me in a seemingly innocent way, but one of them touched me around the waist and the moment he did all i felt was his intentions. None of which were good. I got away, but it was later discovered that he was a pedophile and had committed several rapes in that neighborhood. I never returned to the lake front alone again. Since then I found refuge in physical activity, it too seemed to calm the feelings I was bombarded with. Constantly thinking and being on overload. For the last decade or so it has seemed to work, but now it isn't. Nothing works. It's gotten to the point where I can't sleep, my dreams are so incredibly vivid when I can sleep that I may as well be awake. I'm picking up the feelings of others around me even in my sleep. I can't decipher anything. During the day I have very little motivation to do anything for myself. I pick up the personality traits of others unwillingly, speech, mannerisms, quirks and the like. I'm shrouded in guilt. I've discussed this at length with a friend of mine who told me that I'm an "empath". I know what they are and yet I have always viewed them as fictional beings. I've gotten violently ill on several accounts each after extremely stressful and catastrophic emotional events. Nothing is quieting the information I am bombarded with, I know things people don't want me to know, and it rings loud and clear. I need me back, whoever that is. Its gotten to the point that I don't know myself. He's there, I feel him, but our encounters are fleeting. Days where i feel very in touch with myself are amazing, everything seems in line. However, the very moment I come in contact with volatile energy he's gone and is replaced by doubt, loathing, hatred, self pity. I am starting to feel bi-polar or manic depressant because my father was in fact diagnosed with these conditions when I was a teenager and my mother has always been extremely intuitive. Through the little research I have done I have come to suspect that both of them may be extremely intuitive naturally and therefore passed it on to me. However, I have struggled to embrace this aspect of myself or even acknowledge it as real; until now. Its disrupting every aspect of my life!!! In more ways than I can convey in this letter but I fear that If something isn't done I will end up like my father, medicated and numbed. Please help me if you can.
2 comments:
Dear Yvonne,
My name is Andrew. I am 25 years old and I have had this ongoing struggle for a very long time. At first it wasn't so bad. As a child I was always accused of being very perceptive to "adult" business. I knew far more than I cared to know about the world around me. I often felt aloof and very alone. As I was a constantly angry child and never really saw much reason to smile because I felt constant misery and angst. I thought that maybe it was the burden of struggling with my sexuality and struggling to identify myself but there was much more underlying than I ever thought. At 9 my family moved into a home where for the first time I felt at peace and found calm. It was here I think I was able to be more of myself. My mother allowed me to walk to the lake front which was only a few blocks away from our home, and by staying next to the water I was better able to shut out the voices. or everything that seemed to be clouding me and I could focus more on me. At 13 I had the scariest run in my life. I was approached by two men while i was at the lake front, they questioned me in a seemingly innocent way, but one of them touched me around the waist and the moment he did all i felt was his intentions. None of which were good. I got away, but it was later discovered that he was a pedophile and had committed several rapes in that neighborhood. I never returned to the lake front alone again. Since then I found refuge in physical activity, it too seemed to calm the feelings I was bombarded with. Constantly thinking and being on overload. For the last decade or so it has seemed to work, but now it isn't. Nothing works. It's gotten to the point where I can't sleep, my dreams are so incredibly vivid when I can sleep that I may as well be awake. I'm picking up the feelings of others around me even in my sleep. I can't decipher anything. During the day I have very little motivation to do anything for myself. I pick up the personality traits of others unwillingly, speech, mannerisms, quirks and the like. I'm shrouded in guilt. I've discussed this at length with a friend of mine who told me that I'm an "empath". I know what they are and yet I have always viewed them as fictional beings. I've gotten violently ill on several accounts each after extremely stressful and catastrophic emotional events. Nothing is quieting the information I am bombarded with, I know things people don't want me to know, and it rings loud and clear. I need me back, whoever that is. Its gotten to the point that I don't know myself. He's there, I feel him, but our encounters are fleeting. Days where i feel very in touch with myself are amazing, everything seems in line. However, the very moment I come in contact with volatile energy he's gone and is replaced by doubt, loathing, hatred, self pity. I am starting to feel bi-polar or manic depressant because my father was in fact diagnosed with these conditions when I was a teenager and my mother has always been extremely intuitive. Through the little research I have done I have come to suspect that both of them may be extremely intuitive naturally and therefore passed it on to me. However, I have struggled to embrace this aspect of myself or even acknowledge it as real; until now. Its disrupting every aspect of my life!!! In more ways than I can convey in this letter but I fear that If something isn't done I will end up like my father, medicated and numbed. Please help me if you can.
Yours Truly,
Andrew
Drew, I would love to help you. Are you in the USA?
Post a Comment